ATENSHUN ALL FULES: how to rite gud

i hav SEIZED CONTROL to tell you the TRUTH about writing...

Hullo, this is nigel molesworth the curse of st custard's and i hav taken over from ian by UTERLY CUNNING MEENS (involving a catapult, three stink bombs, and fotherington-tomas as a distraction sa hello clouds hello sky). i had to do this as you MUST KNO THE TRUTH about WRITING chiz chiz.

as any fule kno writing is DEAD DULL and worse than latin with old greybeard fizzing at you. but lo! sum swot has found out why. it is becos we are all TOO SERIOSE about it like we are at speech day or prize-giving (which i never get invited to as i am not a girly swot like you-kno-who).

even the beaks who teach us this DISMAL ART seem to have swallowed a DICTIONARY and speak like they hav stiff collars all the time.

but listen, o suffering pupils of the world, if you are not larfing while scribbling your DEATHLESS PROSE you will end up like peason - a sad sack who only writes about geograhy and the imports of Venezuela (uterly wet).

i kno the masters sa we must IMPROVE OURSELVES and "DO TODAY wot other CHUMPS wont so TOMORROW we can do wot they JOLLY WELL CANT (and they will be UTERLY JELUS)".

but i sa to you - stuff and nonsense! how long can you keep that up? about as long as molesworth 2 can resist stealing my tuck, which is to sa not very.

and think of the poor chumps who hav to READ this stuff. if you are BORED STIFF writing it, they will be FAST ASLEEP reading it. they will drop like flies in scripture lesson.

so be a brick and make it FUN. tell a joke about grabber or how you avoided the head's study. write something CHEEKY in the margin. talk about SPACE BUGS from mars (v. intresting).

just make it GOOD and NOT DULL. that is all any fule need to kno about writing.

yrs, etc. n. molesworth (curse of st. custard's)¹

1. With eternal gratitude to Geoffrey Willans for filling my childhood with laughter.